Mood...: [ 8 ]
Feelin...: [ tired ]
Thinkin...: [ my thoughts are racing ]
Watchin...: [ -- ]
Readin...: [ the host, by stephenie meyer ]
Lissenin...: [ -- ]
Displayin...: [ brown long-sleeve t (multi-shade) and huge midnight blue shorts ]
Doin...: [ forcing myself awake? ]
Quotin...: [ "alo, yann?" ]i promised myself not to write about anything related to "love".
but its impossible.
it is... inevitable, as the (un)wise Mr. Smith would say.
for the past few years i've been neglecting 3 things in my life.
first, love.
i found out that, in my current life-style, there's really no room for that.
regardless, i fell inlove with someone whom i shouldn't fall inlove for - a member of my extended family.
a cousin of sorts - not blood related.
second, sleep.
my insomnia has been getting steadily worse -- i thought i was curing it, but in the long run, it only made it worse.
now, instead of my sleep threshold being at around 3am, it has moved to around 5.
i don't feel tired or sleepy. and i only go to bed when i begin to feel the symptoms of lack of sleep.
it's hard to sleep, but it's just as hard to wake up.
and third, myself.
i havent really taken care of myself in any way -- physically, mentally, spiritually.
physically, i wont lie - i weigh around 110kg. i can't lose, nor do i gain any extra weight. (better than my previous 125kg back in the day i still cared about myself XD)
mentally, i haven't been able to control my mind. its gone further than i could think it would go on its own -- i just let it act independently... better than to read with most reality.
spiritually, i've probably lost any and every spec of faith i had one day.
that doesn't mean i stopped believing that God or Jesus exists - i know they do. i believe in their miracles. i've seen more than my share of miracles to be stupid enough to say "it was all an illusion"... but for myself, i just lost my own personal faith.
the catalist was probably a movie called "the secret". you'll know what i mean if you've seen it -- no other movie has ever impressed on my core personality before.
stupid movie.
so by nearing the end of the morning, it all came together.
a smile on my face -- something i thought i'd forgotten how to do since i forced myself out of love.
my old (non)forgotten love woke me up -- perhaps a new spark for changes in my life.
perhaps the spark that will ignite my self-control, my spirituality.
let me go back a little so you can try and keep up.
my aunt called me a couple of days ago -- her aunt -- and said she'd broken up with her boyfriend.
i was secretly happy for that, but i worried about her well being.
you could say i'm a fairly good liar when it comes to hiding my emotions. no one knows how depressed i really am -- this type of depression is fairly undetectable. it often leads to most of the undetected, non-understandable suicides. but its not like that with me.
i only thought about it a couple of times through my life, but i don't see a point.
i know enough not to try anything silly.
back to topic:
an angel called me this morning and woke me up -- i have never been so glad to wake up in the past.
but its strange. very strange.
i woke up exactly two minutes before she called and thought about what my aunt had told me - that she was free. single. i frowned at the thought and decided to go back to sleep -- only to be more than surprised by her call.
i smiled.
she spoke quietly, as did i, not to wake up cousin who was only a few centemetres from me, asleep.
if he woke up, he can fake it very nicely... i guess it is expected of a national television journalist.
were you ever waken up by someone you never really stopped loving?
well, i was.
she can wake me up whenever she wants, i don't mind. i'd even be glad to forget what strangely beautiful and amusing dream i was having just to be able to hear her voice.
otherwise, i'd rather be fast asleep, tucked in the soothing, protecting warmth of my covers.
and with that, i leave, hoping i haven't made a complete fool out of me.
that's that for now, and i hope to get back today to rumble about any useless things that may happen to me.
--
PS: for further future reference, in case i find this blog after it has been forgotten, the angel's name is nurba, in the ancient yannika code.
